If a baby could talk
I am writing this article and voicing my concerns, as I know what can and does happen to a young child in a traumatic situation.
The practice of sending tiny tots to all-day nursery care is prevalent. As someone who was a Consultant Psychiatrist specialising in the treatment of unresolved traumas for very many years, it is my opinion that this can be detrimental for the emotional wellbeing of the children involved. Why. I will explain.
When I was a junior doctor working in a children’s ward, I observed the children in the ward. Young children cried, understandably, when they came into the ward. They were ill and at that time it was thought best( erroneously) that they should be left by their parents – that was the practice at the time. But, I noticed in virtually all the children that, after a short while, they stopped crying – even though they were still in physical distress of one kind or another. They became like little robots – it worried me.
I asked the senior nursing staff what had happened? I was told, ‘They are all the same. It always happens.’ My interest in the psychological reactions to trauma began at that time.
Small nurseries for the over two and a half year olds, for a few hours per day, two or three times per week to start with and building up to daily before starting school, with kind and gentle staff, provide a very good system and help in the development of the child.
It is the effects – in the first two years of life – of full time nursery attendance in large nurseries that I am writing my concerns about.
Very young children do not know where they are or recognise faces or people – other than close family members or people who interact on a one to one basis. Ask even an intelligent four year old the names of the children in his/her class and you will get just a few names. Ask them the way to school – they do not know, unless it is just nearby where they live. Tiny tots – under two years, are unable to know where they are, who they are with in a strange place and have no concept of ‘the time when they will be collected to go home’. They have to accept, with no choice. They are lost and may well feel fear, no matter how kind the people are who are caring for them.
If they must be in nursery care, then one to one and continuity is needed – do they get this in a large nursery?
Add to that a possible cold, fever, teething problems, stomach pain, etc, which are very common in tiny children, and they have pain as well as fear. I understand that children are often taken to nurseries when unwell.
Separation from the mother or other familiar caring person causes distress and anxiety to a baby. What can they do? Cry. But, if the crying has no effect to rectify the situation eventually the crying stops – even though the distress may continue. What has happened? I know now, after my years of study and work, that a young child has the ability to separate out from his/her emotions. The degree of separation depends on the degree of fear or pain. If this happens, even mildly, as a regular occurrence, then a pattern of behaviour is formed and, in future, at any sign of emotional or physical discomfort that pattern will be reactivated – in a now unconscious manner.
The result is someone who cannot, on an unconscious level, form emotional attachment, and who may not be aware of their own or other emotional needs. In other words they easily, or maybe permanently, become detached from their feelings. This does not simply ‘go away’ when they become older – once adopted on an unconscious level it is not available to conscious alteration.
Of course, all children are different and some may be affected less or more than most – some are more resilient by nature. How do you know how a child is going to react? At that age, it is impossible to know which child is going to be easily fearful or highly sensitive to pain – made worse by any fear.
I visited a country, I won’t say which, where young children are on the streets begging – it upset me greatly. Someone said to me, ‘Oh, don’t worry. Can’t you see their smiling faces?’ I did, but I also saw their empty eyes.
The young child cannot tell anyone and when they stop crying, how does anybody know?
I have written the following poem - as if they could speak.
Conversations At The Nursery
‘Why are you here every day?’
‘Because mummy is unkind
She shouts and has been known
To hit my bare behind
I was crying, I had tummy ache
I couldn’t bear the griping pain
Finger marks stayed there
She hit me, then hit again
Someone saw her do it
And reported her and soon
I had to be here all the time
I see her most days – at noon’
‘My Mummy is not like that at all
She is very sweet and gentle
She is so intelligent that looking
After me just drives her mental
I heard her say she needs something
Called ‘rational adult talk’
So she just leaves me every day
Then drives happily to her work
Maybe there she is clever
But with me she’s not too bright
She doesn’t know how to stop me
When I test her through the night’
‘I do not have a daddy
My Mother had me on her own
She is kind and loves me
But needs money for a phone
To ring granny and her best friend
And my aunties Sue and Lizzy
They all say they love me
I see so many, my head is dizzy
I nearly know their faces
But I’m not sure where I live
As Mother will just take me
And to someone different give
‘I come from a wealthy family
Mummy thinks I am a guest
She doesn’t know about child rearing
‘It’s for those who must know best’
She reads books about psychology
And Fen Chui to name a few
I don’t think she knows me at all
But her mother she never knew
She doesn’t want a nanny
As she would clutter up the house
But if I could just stay at home
I would be quiet as any mouse’
‘I wish I was at home now
Where I could quietly sleep
There is just too much noise
And wide awake I keep
I have such a lovely bedroom
With a mobile made of wood
I have toys piled around my cot
And my soft teddy feels so good
My head aches with my cold
My chest hurts when I cough
Why can’t I just stay at home?
I am so little and life is tough’
‘I don’t know why I was born
A mother I will never be
Unless I can care for my baby
So she won’t have a life like me
I don’t recognise where I am
What if they forget to call
To pick me up to take me home?
I can’t find the way – at all
If a career is so important
Status, clothes and a new car
Why did my mother have me?
I’d be better not born, by far’
‘I took my first step today and
I said ‘Mama’- my first word
But the lady did not respond
As if she had never heard’
‘It’s because she is not your Mama
And has heard it all before
Others have taken ‘first steps’
There’s no excitement any more’
‘I’m sad my Mummy missed it
But why should I try to wait?
Until she comes and collects me
She went out – through that gate’
Many others shared their troubles
Talked of missed days of love
Discussed the deep black hole within
Some learned to rise above
Learned to cope by switching off
Their emotions one by one
Until, finally, like little robots
Pain and feeling had now gone
The emotions of a few remained
Some were angry, some were sad
They were confused as they knew
Most parents were not bad
So the children in the nursery
Shared their thoughts – in vain
No one knew what was going on
In each little person’s brain
Longing, loneliness, lost and sad
Felt in their body and their mind
A loving mother to a tiny child is
More important than all mankind
That role is usually taken on
With great pride and glowing joy
But greater needs soon appear
To usurp a baby – girl or boy
So – they presented smiling faces
As they knew that was the way
Hoped people would remain kind
As they learned they had to stay
‘Such a good child’, ‘Oh so sweet’
‘Yes, I am sure I’m doing right
The only problem that we’ve got
She will not sleep at night’
They cannot speak for themselves – so I speak on their behalf. I am not being critical – I am just imparting knowledge gained over many years.
If only people would listen – it wouldn’t take rocket science to reorganize the present system – for the benefit of tiny tots and their parents.
A longer version of this article is on my website, TOPIC section and the poem will be in my future book in the series ‘Verses that mean a lot ‘ – called ‘Daily Life’. Read the poetry I have written to your children. I have written for and on behalf of children to and teenagers to continue my therapeutic work. Information for the three books is on my websites.
Copyright A Coatesworth (2009)
though God himself has joined them. Yes. Now your house is a heaven and can remain a heaven if and only if you, I mean the parents are able to understand the child and bring him up well. On the other hand if you believe in myths or misunderstand the child, your house may become hell. Everything is in your own hands.
(out of 5 reviews)
